I realize it has been a while... life has continued to move forward for everyone. I am still working, although I began a modified schedule so that i can spend more time with my beautiful family. It helps that my boss is amazing and gets that family is most important, knowing the job is getting done.
I have two infusions left! The last one is May 20th. I am more than excited to have my last one approaching. As much as I like the nurses and doctors who have helped me along the way, I am ready to not walk in to the hospital for a while.
What has compelled me to write tonight is a new feeling of... vanity? self-consciousness? I'm not sure what to call it. The kids were on Easter break this past week, so Eddie and I took a few days and we all went to Palm Springs. This of course was relaxing and fun and meant a lot of time pool side. I found myself wondering what other people might have thought when they saw the scars on my chest. My bathing suit is not particularly revealing, but the edges of my scars on both breasts are a little exposed, and on one side the scar from my port is fully exposed (it almost looks like crazy claw scratches).
I have to share that although I get lots of love and affection from my wonderful husband, and he tells me regularly that he thinks I am sexy, things are different. My breasts feel different, (they are firm, and not my body temperature) and they look different (subtly lumpy, nippleless, scar stricken). I am thankful that I did the reconstructive work and have been debating getting the 3D nipple tattoos...I have noticed that poor Eddie doesn't feel comfortable looking at my chest (I don't blame him, and he has never said a negative thing or made me feel self conscious - I own that feeling if/when it strikes). So after being poolside and noticing I was aware of my scars, I started thinking, "I will get tattoos. But the tattoo will be ornate and cover my scars, not the 3D nipple tattoos". I ran the thought by Eddie, and he liked it!
I've been doing research and I found someone who specializes in mastectomy cover up tattoos. I will be meeting him on Wednesday this week. I can't tell you how excited I am. It is rather odd to think that by getting ink to cover my scars, I will feel a sense of positive self in a way I can't articulate. The only thing I can sort of liken it to is the feeling we women may get when we are wearing our sexiest panties and bra that no one can see (because we are dressed), but we feel that postive sense of self. I'm not sure that makes sense but it's the best I can come up with. Once my tattoo is complete, and no matter what bathing suit I wear, the scars won't have me wondering what people think, I'll be aware they are noticing the beautiful tattoo!
So there you have it. I'll be getting tattooed soon. I'm not sure though, is the choice I'm making out of vanity, self consciousness, or? Does it really even matter what we label it? I mean I am looking forward to a renewed sense of self after such a big part was taken.
Wish me luck. Check back for the before and after pictures.
I have two infusions left! The last one is May 20th. I am more than excited to have my last one approaching. As much as I like the nurses and doctors who have helped me along the way, I am ready to not walk in to the hospital for a while.
What has compelled me to write tonight is a new feeling of... vanity? self-consciousness? I'm not sure what to call it. The kids were on Easter break this past week, so Eddie and I took a few days and we all went to Palm Springs. This of course was relaxing and fun and meant a lot of time pool side. I found myself wondering what other people might have thought when they saw the scars on my chest. My bathing suit is not particularly revealing, but the edges of my scars on both breasts are a little exposed, and on one side the scar from my port is fully exposed (it almost looks like crazy claw scratches).
I have to share that although I get lots of love and affection from my wonderful husband, and he tells me regularly that he thinks I am sexy, things are different. My breasts feel different, (they are firm, and not my body temperature) and they look different (subtly lumpy, nippleless, scar stricken). I am thankful that I did the reconstructive work and have been debating getting the 3D nipple tattoos...I have noticed that poor Eddie doesn't feel comfortable looking at my chest (I don't blame him, and he has never said a negative thing or made me feel self conscious - I own that feeling if/when it strikes). So after being poolside and noticing I was aware of my scars, I started thinking, "I will get tattoos. But the tattoo will be ornate and cover my scars, not the 3D nipple tattoos". I ran the thought by Eddie, and he liked it!
I've been doing research and I found someone who specializes in mastectomy cover up tattoos. I will be meeting him on Wednesday this week. I can't tell you how excited I am. It is rather odd to think that by getting ink to cover my scars, I will feel a sense of positive self in a way I can't articulate. The only thing I can sort of liken it to is the feeling we women may get when we are wearing our sexiest panties and bra that no one can see (because we are dressed), but we feel that postive sense of self. I'm not sure that makes sense but it's the best I can come up with. Once my tattoo is complete, and no matter what bathing suit I wear, the scars won't have me wondering what people think, I'll be aware they are noticing the beautiful tattoo!
So there you have it. I'll be getting tattooed soon. I'm not sure though, is the choice I'm making out of vanity, self consciousness, or? Does it really even matter what we label it? I mean I am looking forward to a renewed sense of self after such a big part was taken.
Wish me luck. Check back for the before and after pictures.