This post is long over due. And I'm happy to say that I am generally as happy and positive as ever, but I've also recognized some new truths or realities that in some ways and on some days, have turned my world upside down.
For the first time in the last 14 months of cancer and treatments taking over my life, I experienced the feeling of anger. As I have reflected on that anger I have come to realize the effects of the ongoing treatments, the forever scars following the surgeries, the feeling of unnatural breasts which are rarely the same temperature as the rest of my body, my energy and motivation being less than I would like, all of these things would make any normal person angry.
A number of months ago I was speaking with a friend who is a survivor of another form of cancer. She asked me if I'd experienced the anger or any sort of depression yet. Inside I thought how different and out of touch I must have been to not experience these feelings. But I was also happy to say I hadn't. And when I experienced the anger, I remembered that conversation and realized I was just a little behind the curve on it.
I'm not angry anymore. I was never angry that I got cancer or went through chemo, etc. So many things have changed, mostly for the better. Slowing down to really appreciate the time with loved ones, looking them straight in the eyes when speaking and listening to them speak. Being ok with not planning every moment of every day. I do miss spending time with my friends. As my energy has been increasing, I have wanted to plan time with friends, but I haven't for self preservation. I am waiting until it feels right to begin my new normal activities...
Outside of the above, life goes on. I am waiting to schedule my tatoo appointment with my plastic surgeon to provide the appearance of normal breasts. It's funny because both of the kids lately have seen my scars and remarked that they don't understand why my "scars are still there from there surgeries". I've explained to them the scars will never go away. I wonder how this still effect my son when he sees normal breasts again (a very long time from now of course). And how does my daughter feel or what are her thoughts about her body as a result of what she has seen and watched me experience?
Well. As I mentioned, life goes on. I miss so many of you and feel out of touch. But I love you all just the same.
For the first time in the last 14 months of cancer and treatments taking over my life, I experienced the feeling of anger. As I have reflected on that anger I have come to realize the effects of the ongoing treatments, the forever scars following the surgeries, the feeling of unnatural breasts which are rarely the same temperature as the rest of my body, my energy and motivation being less than I would like, all of these things would make any normal person angry.
A number of months ago I was speaking with a friend who is a survivor of another form of cancer. She asked me if I'd experienced the anger or any sort of depression yet. Inside I thought how different and out of touch I must have been to not experience these feelings. But I was also happy to say I hadn't. And when I experienced the anger, I remembered that conversation and realized I was just a little behind the curve on it.
I'm not angry anymore. I was never angry that I got cancer or went through chemo, etc. So many things have changed, mostly for the better. Slowing down to really appreciate the time with loved ones, looking them straight in the eyes when speaking and listening to them speak. Being ok with not planning every moment of every day. I do miss spending time with my friends. As my energy has been increasing, I have wanted to plan time with friends, but I haven't for self preservation. I am waiting until it feels right to begin my new normal activities...
Outside of the above, life goes on. I am waiting to schedule my tatoo appointment with my plastic surgeon to provide the appearance of normal breasts. It's funny because both of the kids lately have seen my scars and remarked that they don't understand why my "scars are still there from there surgeries". I've explained to them the scars will never go away. I wonder how this still effect my son when he sees normal breasts again (a very long time from now of course). And how does my daughter feel or what are her thoughts about her body as a result of what she has seen and watched me experience?
Well. As I mentioned, life goes on. I miss so many of you and feel out of touch. But I love you all just the same.
This post is long over due. And I'm happy to say that I am generally as happy and positive as ever, but I've also recognized some new truths realities that in some ways and on some days, have turned my world upside down.
Last week for the first time in the last 14 months of cancer and treatments taking over my life, I felt angry. And as I have reflected on that anger I have come to realize that although I am cancer free, the effects of the treatments and the aftermath have changed how I live my life. Specifically, I have a mental aversion to eating certain things for fear of the unknown chemicals that may contribute to the onset or recurrence of cancer. Even more than that, I have little to no energy for myself. Granted I am working and toting kids around when I'm not at work, I have neglected the nurturing of my invaluable friendships.
Last week for the first time in the last 14 months of cancer and treatments taking over my life, I felt angry. And as I have reflected on that anger I have come to realize that although I am cancer free, the effects of the treatments and the aftermath have changed how I live my life. Specifically, I have a mental aversion to eating certain things for fear of the unknown chemicals that may contribute to the onset or recurrence of cancer. Even more than that, I have little to no energy for myself. Granted I am working and toting kids around when I'm not at work, I have neglected the nurturing of my invaluable friendships.