As the 2014 dance with cancer year winds down, I've found myself in a state of uncertainty about my feelings on a number of things. It has been a year of which I denied myself the chance to grieve what I was going through, thus the tears didn't flow as they should have. This in turn has forced me to deal with everything in a "post traumatic" way.
I've had the most bizarre dreams about giving birth to a beautiful baby boy of which I did not know I was pregnant, and worry about how the infusions I've received would effect him. I've found myself overly cautious with things to do with my health, and over analyzing things. I am pretty quick to turn it around, but if I had given myself permission to deal with things emotionally much earlier in the year I would be past this by now.
The most disturbing things for me right now is how much I don't want to do and how much I force myself to do anyway. Confused? What i mean is I am generally a giving person who puts the wants and needs of others before my own. I accept this as my role and I enjoy it. But lately I have lacked the desire to return calls, make calls, send texts or emails. My heart wants to entertain and be with family and friends but my mind and body don't want to put effort forth. I do most of what I don't want to do anyway, but not without a ton of internal dialogue. I know my friends understand and are patient, but I'm not happy with these feelings.
I've stayed strong this year for everyone around me, and for myself, and as a result, I've been called a hero. That has never been my intent, especially under these circumstances. I stayed and remain strong for myself and those around me as a way to maintain equilibrium. If I were to fall apart, who would hold the beat steady and keep the dance going? Don't get me wrong. Throughout this whole thing my husband has been my rock. He has been extremely patient, allowing me to sleep and heal, making sure the kids were taken care of. But if I had shown any weakness I was afraid it wouldn't allow him or the kids to maintain hope.
Each day I get up and kiss my family good morning, get and give hugs, see the sun rise, drink my cup of coffee, I am thankful for the chance to do it again, and strive to do it better than the day before. While I am strong, I give myself permission to admit that I have been selfish with my time and energy. Please know that if you have been sick and I know about it, you are in my prayers and thoughts. Although I may not have reached out by phone, email, text, or a card in the mail as you may have done for me, I do care and I do appreciate you and your efforts. I just don't have much left in me right now to give. I really need to do some serious taking for a little while.
Thank you for checking in. Merry Christmas and happy New year to you and yours.
I've had the most bizarre dreams about giving birth to a beautiful baby boy of which I did not know I was pregnant, and worry about how the infusions I've received would effect him. I've found myself overly cautious with things to do with my health, and over analyzing things. I am pretty quick to turn it around, but if I had given myself permission to deal with things emotionally much earlier in the year I would be past this by now.
The most disturbing things for me right now is how much I don't want to do and how much I force myself to do anyway. Confused? What i mean is I am generally a giving person who puts the wants and needs of others before my own. I accept this as my role and I enjoy it. But lately I have lacked the desire to return calls, make calls, send texts or emails. My heart wants to entertain and be with family and friends but my mind and body don't want to put effort forth. I do most of what I don't want to do anyway, but not without a ton of internal dialogue. I know my friends understand and are patient, but I'm not happy with these feelings.
I've stayed strong this year for everyone around me, and for myself, and as a result, I've been called a hero. That has never been my intent, especially under these circumstances. I stayed and remain strong for myself and those around me as a way to maintain equilibrium. If I were to fall apart, who would hold the beat steady and keep the dance going? Don't get me wrong. Throughout this whole thing my husband has been my rock. He has been extremely patient, allowing me to sleep and heal, making sure the kids were taken care of. But if I had shown any weakness I was afraid it wouldn't allow him or the kids to maintain hope.
Each day I get up and kiss my family good morning, get and give hugs, see the sun rise, drink my cup of coffee, I am thankful for the chance to do it again, and strive to do it better than the day before. While I am strong, I give myself permission to admit that I have been selfish with my time and energy. Please know that if you have been sick and I know about it, you are in my prayers and thoughts. Although I may not have reached out by phone, email, text, or a card in the mail as you may have done for me, I do care and I do appreciate you and your efforts. I just don't have much left in me right now to give. I really need to do some serious taking for a little while.
Thank you for checking in. Merry Christmas and happy New year to you and yours.