I've been asked a few times if I've changed since experiencing cancer. Initially my response was no. No, because I've always been a happy person and cancer didn't change that. No, because life is what you make it, good, bad or indifferent. No, because I've always tried to be healthy. No, because "why not me?".
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\nBut now, my answer is yes. Yes, but not for the reasons you might think, granted I have no idea what you're thinking. I've changed in that I'm investing in me right now. It didn't start out that way. I mean, I wasn't 100% honest with myself, much less anyone else, about needing help. Help in the sense of talking about me. Allowing me to feel mad about cancer, or how I feel when someone points their finger at me when something goes wrong, or, that sometimes I do get sad...
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\nSee, I've always been the person in the background, and I was "ok" with that. I didn't want to be the center of attention. I still don't, but I also don't want to not have a voice or opinion, or feelings, and that is what has changed. I am no longer ok just listening and not contributing in a meaningful way. My feelings matter, my hurts, my happiness, my needs.
\n
\nIt seems so odd to say these things because of the tone of everything else I've written. I was honest before, just as I am now. Only now, I'm going to share the ugly stuff too, after all, I'm not a super hero, and I don't want to be.
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\nYou know what is ugly? Stuffing your feelings for the sake of sparing others. Allowing others needs to always come before your own. What I mean is, whenever I would think about sharing my "hurt", I would change my mind because I would think "who am I to complain? Their spouse is gone months at a time." Or, "my cancer was localized as far as we can tell. I'm lucky, or as lucky as can be, I have no right to complain." Or, "this world is so full of negative cha-cha, I'm not contributing to that."
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\nHonestly friends and family, I think when we stuff our feelings in order to spare others, we do no one any favors. I'm not saying to walk around telling people what you think of them (unless it is nice). I AM saying, if you need to share your feelings, don't make excuses for why not to, so long as you are NOT pointing fingers. Own your feelings. Own your part. You know the saying "be the difference you want to see in the world"? That. That is what I mean.
\n
\nThis is important to me, because holding back is toxic to our health in so many ways. Being honest with myself, and sharing some of the ugly... I'm going to break old habits, and it will take time, but I know it is going to be worth it.
\n
\nI hope you stay with me as I go down this road. I don't want to go it alone. I actually would love your thoughts, your questions. I would like you to share something if you feel compelled. Tell me you hate this blog if you do. But tell me why. Own how you feel when reading my words, and tell me honestly. But don't make it about me, make it about you, and your feelings...
\n
\nAs I prepare to close out this blog, and all blogs that follow, I will leave you with how I feel at the moment. First, as my life coach would have me do, I am going to take a deep breath, center myself, "listen" to what my body is feeling, then share. Today, right now, my heart is racing. I believe it is racing because I am sharing some ugly. It frightens me or makes me anxious (I feel tension in my left shoulder as I bring it forward to almost protect my heart) because I don't want you, the reader to think less of me for being honest. I own that. That is how I feel.
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\nThank you for following me. Until next time...
\n
\nBut now, my answer is yes. Yes, but not for the reasons you might think, granted I have no idea what you're thinking. I've changed in that I'm investing in me right now. It didn't start out that way. I mean, I wasn't 100% honest with myself, much less anyone else, about needing help. Help in the sense of talking about me. Allowing me to feel mad about cancer, or how I feel when someone points their finger at me when something goes wrong, or, that sometimes I do get sad...
\n
\nSee, I've always been the person in the background, and I was "ok" with that. I didn't want to be the center of attention. I still don't, but I also don't want to not have a voice or opinion, or feelings, and that is what has changed. I am no longer ok just listening and not contributing in a meaningful way. My feelings matter, my hurts, my happiness, my needs.
\n
\nIt seems so odd to say these things because of the tone of everything else I've written. I was honest before, just as I am now. Only now, I'm going to share the ugly stuff too, after all, I'm not a super hero, and I don't want to be.
\n
\nYou know what is ugly? Stuffing your feelings for the sake of sparing others. Allowing others needs to always come before your own. What I mean is, whenever I would think about sharing my "hurt", I would change my mind because I would think "who am I to complain? Their spouse is gone months at a time." Or, "my cancer was localized as far as we can tell. I'm lucky, or as lucky as can be, I have no right to complain." Or, "this world is so full of negative cha-cha, I'm not contributing to that."
\n
\nHonestly friends and family, I think when we stuff our feelings in order to spare others, we do no one any favors. I'm not saying to walk around telling people what you think of them (unless it is nice). I AM saying, if you need to share your feelings, don't make excuses for why not to, so long as you are NOT pointing fingers. Own your feelings. Own your part. You know the saying "be the difference you want to see in the world"? That. That is what I mean.
\n
\nThis is important to me, because holding back is toxic to our health in so many ways. Being honest with myself, and sharing some of the ugly... I'm going to break old habits, and it will take time, but I know it is going to be worth it.
\n
\nI hope you stay with me as I go down this road. I don't want to go it alone. I actually would love your thoughts, your questions. I would like you to share something if you feel compelled. Tell me you hate this blog if you do. But tell me why. Own how you feel when reading my words, and tell me honestly. But don't make it about me, make it about you, and your feelings...
\n
\nAs I prepare to close out this blog, and all blogs that follow, I will leave you with how I feel at the moment. First, as my life coach would have me do, I am going to take a deep breath, center myself, "listen" to what my body is feeling, then share. Today, right now, my heart is racing. I believe it is racing because I am sharing some ugly. It frightens me or makes me anxious (I feel tension in my left shoulder as I bring it forward to almost protect my heart) because I don't want you, the reader to think less of me for being honest. I own that. That is how I feel.
\n
\nThank you for following me. Until next time...